Tag: fear

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Alone in the Dark

Alone in the Dark is one of my favourite old school PC games from 1993.

Scaring myself silly till Dawn

Titles like this are truly best when you are alone physically and virtually, lights out with a big screen and good headphone.

I’ve started Survival Horror Until Dawn™ nearly 2 years after it’s initial release.

 

Knowing full well that I would get this title one day I avoided most of the public spoilers and streams but know just enough about the game to have a good first-time experience.

One of it’s most enjoyable features is the Butterfly effect in that all your decisions impact the life or death of game characters.

This is way too close to real life but a great lesson to be learned.

Stop and think, there will be consequences to all your decisions.

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Urgent but not Important

I’ve always tried to focus on the important stuff like planning for a child’s birthday or my tax returns.

The struggle is handling things that are just constantly in your face. Mainly other people’s agenda, issues or crisis.

I’m busy….leave me alone

I sit here like a stress sponge constantly soaking up unbearable anxiety and grieve.

For private technical requests, I use a help desk system to ease the stress.

This has the bonus benefit or resolving the issue faster and focuses in on the precise issue. Most times the end-user just wants to vent to a human.

Could I switch career at this stage?  Someone floated the idea to me last week. It’s risky but hard to avoid InfoSec right now and quite frankly I don’t want to do anything else.

My chess game has deteriorated below 800 Elo right now. I simply cannot concentrate.

Booking up London flights for May, June and August in a couple of weeks.

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Zombies roaming the UK…really?

A rather unfortunate headline. Usually, when I hear the term zombie I jump to thinking how best to kill them.

From the Evil Dead to The Walking Dead I’ve watched hordes bring butchered for decades and killed countless in Zombie games.

Real life Walking Dead

The drug called Spice is real and deadlier than Cocaine. The users aren’t Zombies but typically homeless people trying to escape homelessness.

If we view them as people we would fight the issue. If we see them as Zombies we will try to figure out how to hide them, get rid of them or ultimately kill them.

I’ve never been homeless but fly way too close to hopelessness.

Hanging on by my weakened spirit at the moment.

No medication for me today.

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When things get really bad….run away

It’s important to realise when you’ve lost the game. I’m falling through parts of my life that are simply not working or where I have absolutely no control. One thing for sure it that I’m no good at managing my own personal crisis.

Managing others, no problem.

When there’s that much poison in your blood, the only thing left to do — is shoot yourself. 

(SAW 2004)

For me, running away sometimes means diving into my favourite second life.  Some people drink, some people smoke, I play games.

Most females I know pretty much see video games as something for children or men with nothing better to do.

In reality, it’s a place I run to escape my realities, it stops me from going “postal’  and wiping out everything and everyone near me.

Life escape routes – gaming or watching

Type PS4 time Life traits
Occasional gaming Less than 1 hour a day Away from home base
Casual gaming up to 3 hours a day At the end of the work day
Serious gaming More than 3 hours a day During times of high anxiety or crisis
Pro gaming More than 6 hours a day During times of intense isolation

The brutal honesty of gaming is essentially a middle finger to your physical life as well as serving as a single solution to feeling bad about yourself.

Some of the emotional drivers

Escapism – a place to safely vent or get rid of destructive emotions
Fantasy – a place to feel successful or good about yourself
Love – a place to feel appreciated and needed

According to a recent survey, only 11% of IT Security Professionals are women, goodness knows what the statistics are like for female gamers. download full report

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Consequences schmonsequences, as long as I’m Rich!!!

Massive work-life conflict is on the rampage with me, even eating an Apple is complicated nowadays.  I really wish my actions would not have such deep long lasting impact all the time.  It’s like I can’t afford to make a single strategic error in work or play.

Holidays are hard work
Work is hard work
Love is hard work

Working long hours hardly makes me better it just gives me more alone time.

So in under 15 years, I’ll be retired…but what does that look like?

Too young to retire, too old to start again

Will I have to depend on someone to care for me physically and financially?